The Art of Safe Dating

If you're struggling with liking someone new or navigating the world of dating, I just want to take a moment to affirm you: you're not alone. Dating can be challenging, and often, liking someone new can feel more frustrating and unsafe than exciting. It’s no wonder many people choose to sit on their feelings rather than act on them. And when you do take the leap and start dating someone, it’s common to struggle with how emotionally invested you should be with someone new. I understand how discouraging the dating process can feel, and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

Reflecting on my own dating experiences, I’ve realized that the idea of someone can often be far more exciting than the person themselves. The idea is rooted in imagination, and it fits into our personal stories, whereas the reality of liking someone can be much more complex. When I think about why, it always comes back to safety.

Viewing dating through the lens of safety helps explain why many of us struggle to feel confident and secure in creating positive dating experiences. Often, we fall into the mentality that it all depends on the other person. While this is true to an extent, it’s not the full truth.

Let’s break it down.

When you first become interested in someone, there’s usually not much to go on other than attraction. Depending on your past experiences, what you’re looking for, and how secure you are with yourself—whether you feel content on your own or are afraid of loneliness—your brain starts to create a story about who this person could be. Some of us have overactive imaginations. If you've ever caught yourself thinking you're ready to confess your love after just a few days or already envisioning your entire future with someone, chances are your imagination is in overdrive. As someone who tends to romanticize the person I'm interested in, I totally understand. After all, why would you want to be with someone you can't picture a future with? And why should I have to hold back my feelings for you when I know I want you?But the truth is, we’re not fully grounded in reality. The idea of someone becomes thrilling because it’s a fantasy built on unrealistic expectations (even though they can feel very real), often giving us a sense of safety. This sense of safety can serve different purposes, like preparing us to connect with someone, avoiding the effort and responsibility of truly getting to know them, letting us enjoy the excitement before the possible disappointment of things not working out, or putting on “rose-colored glasses” to see them in a more idealized light during our interactions, allowing us to filter out or ignore the reality of the situation. And there are many other ways it plays out too.

What are you afraid of?

Hurt. Disappointment. Rejection. Vulnerability. Being seen. Trusting the wrong person. Commitment. Not being enough. Being too much. Wasted time. Misalignment. Settling. Losing independence. Not being ready. Losing yourself. Comparison. Emotional dependence. Disappointing others. Hurting others. The unknown. Falling too hard. Personal growth being stagnated. Abandonment. Intimacy. Getting stuck. Change. Conflict. Betrayal. Maybe something else?

It's something worth reflecting on, and doing so requires you to be vulnerable with yourself. And that right there is the key to dating safely.

Vulnerability

The truth and irony is, to truly assess someone's safety, you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable and see if they respond with care and understanding. You see, we often haven’t explored ourselves deeply enough to even know what care and understanding look like in practice when it comes to our fears and insecurities. Without this self-awareness, we risk expecting something from others that we haven't yet learned to give to ourselves.

We all desire to be vulnerable with someone and not regret it afterward, but fear often holds us back from taking that first step. Finding someone who truly likes you for who you are and trusting them enough to be vulnerable despite the fear is what love and meaningful connections are built on. There’s no easy way out towards connection. The deepest connections come from vulnerability, where the masks come off, and souls meet one another. Liking someone is a form of vulnerability. Dating someone is a form of vulnerability. Both inherently come with some level of risk of being hurt, and how much you're hurt is often determined by your capacity for vulnerability. But this isn't just about connecting with others; it’s also about the relationship you have with yourself.

It’s easy to recall the times when our vulnerability was taken advantage of—when we were rejected, mishandled, abandoned, or ignored. After such experiences, it’s tempting to focus more on the pain than the moments when we felt safe. Many of us haven’t been introduced to a healthy form of vulnerability, and we may not be surrounded by people or environments that model this, especially in platonic or familial relationships. This makes it harder to engage in vulnerability when dating because we simply haven't learned how. Some of us even mistakenly believe that chaos and dysfunction are forms of safety because they’re what we’ve known in our past relationships or environments. It’s easier to focus on the pain and neglect the times when we actually felt safe—even when we didn’t recognize it as such.

Vulnerability is about breaking free from the cycle of fear and giving yourself permission to embrace openness, trust, and connection—with others and with your own heart. Only through this can we move beyond fear, open ourselves to love, and build the meaningful connections we long for.

The ability to date safely isn’t solely dependent on the other person; it’s also about cultivating safety within yourself and externally.

Many people who look for safety from others while neglecting their own role in creating a safe space often do so because they’re subconsciously avoiding the internal voids they need to confront. We become safer for each other by first becoming safer for ourselves. When you lead with safety, you often create an environment where people feel comfortable enough to gradually remove their masks. Safety is often nurtured and cultivated through intention. It’s not always perfect, but it creates an environment of ease, allowing you to have difficult conversations, navigate conflict, and reduce harm as much as possible. Ultimately, safety is about fostering an atmosphere where vulnerability, growth, trust, and connection can flourish without compromising your peace or your boundaries.

To like someone safely means allowing yourself to feel and express affection while remaining grounded in your own sense of self-worth and security. It’s about embracing your emotions without losing sight of your boundaries or values, and ensuring that your feelings are not based on idealizing or romanticizing the other person, but rather on genuine connection and mutual respect. It involves being mindful of your own needs and recognizing when to step back or reassess if those needs aren’t being met.

To date someone safely means cultivating an internal sense of security, so you’re able to allow external dynamics like trust, pacing, communication, emotional regulation, discernment, and mutual respect to unfold naturally. It’s about being intentional in creating a space where both you and your partner can show up as your authentic selves, free from the need to hide behind facades or masks. It’s a process of building trust and navigating the relationship with openness, while also being aware of when the connection feels right and when something needs adjustment. Ultimately, to date safely is to create an environment where both partners can grow, connect, and trust each other, all while maintaining their individual peace and well-being.

While it is important to cultivate safety within yourself, it’s not solely your burden to bear.

A fundamental misconception in our society is the belief that how we navigate the world is an entirely individual effort. Much of this is learned and shaped by others. Our ability to envision new possibilities often comes from seeing others embody them.

The more you understand what feels safe and what doesn’t, the better equipped you’ll be to date with confidence and filter out people who don’t align with your values. You also empower yourself to make informed choices about who you connect with and how you perceive them. People change, and sometimes their actions don’t align with their words, but by identifying what’s safe for you, you’ll become less tolerant of misalignment and more empowered to move on when necessary.

You are worthy of love, and you deserve a connection that lifts you up, not one that heightens your anxiety. You deserve a love that sparks your soul, helps you grow, and nurtures both your individual growth and your partnership. You deserve the peace that comes with being your authentic self, knowing you can face life’s challenges with someone who shares your values and goals.Remember, you are not unlovable or undeserving—you are more than enough.

The love you seek is not out of reach; it’s waiting for you to believe that you’re worthy of it.To create space for that love, you must first believe in it and trust in your own worth.

As you navigate dating, remember that safety—both within yourself and in the connections you cultivate—is key. We become safer for others by first creating safety within ourselves. If you struggle to do this alone, seek relationships where healthy, safe love is practiced. Surround yourself with those who nurture your sense of security and encourage you to show up as your authentic self.

The love you seek is out there, searching for you too.

And it will be most fulfilling when you are grounded in your own worth, surrounded by safety, and open to vulnerability. Don’t rush or settle. The right connection will find you when you're ready to receive it—not out of fear, but out of self-belief and intentional choice.

So, take a moment to reflect: Are you creating the kind of safe space within you that will allow for the love you deserve? Begin with self-worth, lead with safety, and open the door to a love that is real, safe, and worthy of your heart.

You are so deserving of it!

Love,

Dr. Nigel Marcellus